Miscarriage: When Length of Pregnancy Does Not Determine Depth of Pain.
No matter what anyone else says, I am here to tell you its ok to be hurting right now.
Miscarriage hurts for mom. It hurts dad. It hurts brothers and sisters. It hurts friends and family.
The journey of miscarriage is different for each family, but know that you do not have to take it alone. There are numerous places that you can find support online, but don’t discount the support of friends and family in your local community.
I encourage you to something in memory of your baby, no matter how small or short their life was. Some people choose to have funeral masses (when a body is available) or to participate in a naming right. You can have your child’s name added to the Book of Intentions at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in La Crosse, Wisconsin or Book of Life in the Shrine to the Unborn at the Church of the Holy Innocents in New York City (You don’t have to be Catholic to do this! There are people who want to honor your child’s life…let them.)
Three Souls: Our Miscarriage Journey
Probably the most commonly quoted statistic is that 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in this early form of loss. I’m not sure how accurate that statistic is, but I know that it has held true for me.
Soon after Tim and I were married, in 2002, our first pregnancy ended after 8 short weeks. I remember the Twins were in the playoffs that October and a friend came and watched the game with Tim and I while I went back and forth to my parent’s bathroom contracting and laboring. This is the only one of my miscarriages that I passed a visible baby, and it made a huge impression on me. I remember carefully saving the baby on a piece of toilet paper so that Tim could see it too. Tiny head and limbs, maybe an inch or two long. A beautiful sight I have never forgotten.
Four and a half years and two healthy babies later, in 2007 we again learned that we were expecting. This pregnancy was my most short lived, lasting less than six weeks. It was January and I remember I started bleeding heavily on a Sunday morning during church. Despite being such a short length of time, I was stunned by the intensity of my pain.
It was over seven years before I met my old friend, miscarriage again. In early 2014, learned I was expecting on Valentine’s Day only to miscarry on April Fool’s Day. Not exactly a laughing matter! This was my latest miscarriage at 11+ weeks. Thankfully, as in the other two I was still able to delivery baby naturally. Unfortunately, despite being further along we were still not able to save our baby’s body for burial as it had been many weeks since he or she had passed. As I had begun blogging by this point, you can read the entire story here.
Miscarriage grief is different for every family and, in my experience, different for every baby. Each one of my miscarriages affected me in different ways during the various seasons of our life.
Unleashing a passion…
Regardless of the time that has passed since my miscarriages, rarely does a day pass that I do not remember the influence of these tiny souls on my faith and my family. Through intense suffering, our family has grown closer to God and closer to each other.
We did not do this, however, by pretending that our babies did not exist or were not important. It was only walking through the suffering and asking God to accompany us that we could rest in confident assurance of His mercy for us and for our unborn children.
That grace is not just for my and for my family, but for yours. I tell my babies’ stories to give you courage and permission to share yours.
When I speak to parishes and groups, I am often approached by men and women long past their child bearing years who recall, with tears in their eyes, the tender life that passed on too quickly some 50 or even 60 years ago.
The stories still matter!
Your babies never stop mattering. They matter to you because they were yours. They matter to God because they are his and so are you.
Whatever your experience, you are not alone.
Looking for spiritual comfort in your time of loss?
Blessed Is the Fruit of Thy Womb: Rosary Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss was written for you. It is my sometimes raw, hopefully encouraging walk through the journey of pregnancy and infant loss grief as it relates to the story of our savior- through the eyes of a mother.
