This post contains affiliate links. When you purchase through these links, I receive a small commission from the sale at no extra cost to you. Thank you!
Our Need for Peace
Pregnancy and infant loss is a journey. For those of us who are on it, we know how tempting it is to close ourselves off from God. To put a lock on our hearts that advertises loudly, I don’t trust you with this part of my life, God.
I find myself deeply aware of this reality.
In fact, a year ago, my spiritual director started pushing me on the issue. He introduced me to the Litany of Trust, which I found an absolutely beautiful starting point in professing and seeking a trust that didn’t quite come naturally to me just yet.
That was only the beginning of a long summer of work. Where I would be asked to confront the worry, fears, and anxieties in my own life with God’s fundamental truths about myself and more importantly, about him. Specifically that he was trustworthy, and that he wanted me to be at peace.
A Physical Sign of Trust
Through pregnancy and infant loss (through all types of fertility actually) we are asked again and again to trust God with our very bodies. To say Jesus, I trust in You over and over and over.
For me, transferring that from my fertility journey into my daily practice of faith can be a huge struggle. I forget that trust is a habit that requires intentional effort and practice. I often question the very promises and identity that God has granted me.
Sometimes I find myself stubbornly standing between certain areas of my life and refusing the let God see or deal with an issue.
Yet rarely does trying to keep God out of somewhere he would like to be result in any peace! For me, learning to intentionally practice trust has been a huge key to discovering peace in a variety of circumstances, including three miscarriages in the last 5 months.
Beyond the Litany of Trust
There are some wonderful spiritual writings on trust and peace that helped me, such as Searching For & Maintaining Peace, by Fr. Jacques Philippe (all of his stuff is incredible). I also had an uber-patient spiritual director walking with me that was quick to boldly but lovingly point out the errors of my ways. (There were a lot of those if you want to know the truth.)
I say moving beyond, but really what I mean is moving into. Out of the Litany alone and into the scripture behind it. Into the specific areas of struggle that hold us back from pure trust. The anxieties that prevent us from receiving peace.
Addressing Anxiety
As a long time sufferer of clinical anxiety, I want to talk about anxiety for just a moment. I thought that this journey of trust would lead to more peace in all areas of my life equally. To be completely honest with you, the opposite happened. The further I reached into a spiritual surrender and trust the more my clinical anxiety began to surface- demanding that I respond to it appropriately.
For years one of my greatest coping techniques for anxiety has been control. Planning and predicting as much of my life as possible. As I learned to stop trying to control every interaction and predict every outcome, my clinical anxiety has actually been triggered in ways that it hasn’t been for years. That’s because that kind of anxiety is a psychological condition. A mental illness, not a lack of spiritual trust.
That has been a hard lesson for me to learn. To see my deepening spiritual peace surrounded by an increasing physical anxiety. Trusting God with this area of my life meant reaching out for more support to actually treat the condition appropriately rather than hide it behind inappropriate and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I could not have done it (or at least attempted it) without the help of other people versed in all aspects of this. In fact, I find that I can really only continue to progress if I have proper spiritual support AND proper psychological support. Each time I try to pursue one area of healing without the other I end up completely twisted in circles!
My spiritual director has told me many, many times that more healing equals more freedom (peace!). I really wanted (want) that to just mean one thing at a time. Or maybe the spiritual would just magically take care of the psychological! Yet the more I fight the fact that all of it matters, the more miserable I make myself. All of this to say, please don’t go skydiving without a parachute. If you already know that you struggle with mental health issues, please set yourself up for success in your spiritual journey by having proper supports up front in whatever way you need.
Seeking Peace
Before this last year, I never really believed peace was something that was for me. In fact, I can tell you that even in the last month I’ve stood (thanks COVID19) behind a screen to confess (again) my lack of trust. My belief that it seems peace is something that God intends for other people, but not for me.
I know in my bones, its not true, but I still struggle. I ask questions and worry constantly. Some days I’m all over the emotional roadmap!
It turns out, however, that I’m not alone. Of course I’m not alone in a spiritual sense, but I’m also not alone in a very practical sense. This is something that we all struggle with.
My friend Allison recently sent me a copy of her new book, Seeking Peace: A Spiritual Journey From Worry to Trust. This is the fifth in a series of Stay Connected Journals for Catholic Women. I have loved the entire series, often keeping the small volumes slipped in my adoration bag or to read during a kiddo’s therapy session.
Each chapter includes prayer, reflections/thoughts from Allison, scripture to study (with room for notes), ties to the practice of our faith, and discussion questions. The questions are great for small group discussion or individual reflection.
Seeking Together
I’ve done all of the studies on my own, but I have friends who have used them with their women’s group. To be honest, I think this is one of those dynamite studies that, if people are willing to lay themselves out vulnerably before each other, could be life changing in a group setting!
So often it is the thought that we are the only one who thinks we are struggling to trust that keeps us from sharing our worries with friends. Friends who are often struggling with the same things. We try to bear burdens alone that are much better shared with a friend. Struggling under the weight, we add to our anxieties and worries rather than reduce them.
In my own battle to trust God, even when things seem to be going exactly opposite of how I would like, I have a whole pile of go-to resources such as the Litany of Trust, Searching for and Maintaining Peace, and more. Allison’s “Grace Trifecta” (Prayer, Scripture, & The Sacraments) have all been key ingredients in my trust journey to peace.
I’m still a super work in progress, but in reviewing this new resource I can tell that it has a lot to offer to trust seekers new and old!
When it comes to our fertility, there are a lot of places that trust is challenged. There are the losses themselves, the toils and trials of future pregnancies, infertility, and the decision to be open to life after loss. I know a lot of people who try to handle their spiritual lives in a separate lane as their pregnancy and infant loss journey. From the beginning, God has shown me (especially through Mary and the Rosary) that it is possible to spiritually grow through difficult circumstances. To be closer to God rather than far from him, even when the opposite might feel true. (Someday maybe I can write a post about the perpetually confusing conundrum of “Your feelings are real and valid, even if your feelings don’t reflect reality.”)
Even years after the losses that inspired this ministry, I find myself challenged and changed when I lean into the truth of my faith during pregnancy and infant loss. Those lessons even seep into the rest of my spiritual life, if I’m willing to trust God when it’s painful! Far from a perfect role model, I am simply a model…often how to go about this very poorly, albeit persistently. My OB once told me that I’m like the Little Engine that Could. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit was a fair description.
This is just one of many books that I have found spiritually valuable in seeking peace following the difficult circumstances of pregnancy and infant loss. For a complete list of all of my book recommendations and reviews, click here.
Recent Comments